PUBLISHED FEBRUARY 2013
“Dear Jeremy Kyle,
I know you do not normally allow under 16s on your show but I wonder if you would make an exception for my family.”
13 year-old Hattie Moore doesn’t actually know who her dad is – but that’s the least of her problems. Her mum smells constantly of bacon, Miss Gorgeous Knickers at school hates her, and her Gran is a TOTAL mental who may be accidentally texting rude jokes to EVERYONE in the world EVER.. Even dentists.
With the help of Dr. Phil and best friends Goose, Dimple and Weirdo Jen, can Hattie find her dad and overcome her dating bogey phobia? Her intimate diary that is NOT A BLOG tells the WHOLE story, even the really embarrassing bits that include near death from biscotti, a homemade breast-growing machine and an apple crumble that may be a terrorist threat.
Weirdo Jen brought her Runes into school today. They are these fortune telling stone things. She did mine – there was absolutely no mention of men. She said she couldn’t see any men on the horizon just a focus on ‘maturing’ and ‘growth’! That MUST be about finding out who my dad is. Dimple got loads of love stones, but we couldn’t finish because Mrs. Matfield saw us playing with them and confiscated them as ‘school was not about messing with the occult’. Weirdo Jen said that Mrs. Matfield did not know what she was messing with and she had awakened nature’s forces. Mrs. Matfield gave Jen a lunch detention and said she wasn’t scared of anything that wasn’t actually holding a machine gun. She is a PURE EVIL mental. She should not be near young people. Or any people in fact.